Blasphemy!
by I. Run. E
Summary: Haruhi is God! And Kyon is her prophet! Too bad it won't work out that nicely. As Kyon struggles with a very religious experience, a calamity endangers the whole world. This is... God and her Skeptic.


I can imagine the groans coming from the people who read the last chapter of my other fic. They're probably saying, "Hey! You haven't updated in forever, and when you do, you give me this new crap! I should skewer your head with an ice pick!"

For that, I do apologize. I'm not really fast when it comes to making stories, and there's this constant revising process I put everything through before I actually post them. It's slow for me, because I try to make things sound good, if not kind of good. But if you still feel like stabbing me, I'll promise that I'll try to post something every month, or maybe even sooner.

Now, let's talk about this fic. While writing The End of the Word, I came up with this idea. And I'm thinking about continuing this after I'm done with the last two chapters. It's basically an alternate reality placed at a unspecified time in a unspecified location. There's probably a load of plotholes, but ignore them. I think it's a pretty cool idea, and I'm surprised that no one's taken it. Or, I think no one's taken it. Oh, well, just enjoy it.

* * *

It was hot. 

It was _really_ hot.

The sun was beating down on me, blazing across the tall bronze laden grass without any remorse or mercy. It felt like the fields were set to be caught on fire at any moment, ready to burn me alive at any second. If not for the clothes on my back, I would've probably _been_ burnt to a crisp by Mr. Nuclear Fusion up there in the sky. Really, it was days like these that reminded me of how much I _loathed_ summer.

Actually, "loathe" is an understatement. I _hated_ summer.

You might say I hated this time of year the most in comparison to other times. But… then again, my dislike for the seasons usually changes customarily, depending on the current time of year. Probably, by winter this year, I'd be freezing my ass off begging for summer to come back.

I wonder why my parents chose to live here rather than live in a place with a more subtle climate. Are they just too lazy to move, or is it something else? I really doubt the reason why they stay here is because they've gotten _used_ to how things are. I mean, there's a limit to how flexible the human body can adapt. And any person who lives around here would also agree with me too when I say that it's practically impossible to adapt to the weather.

The summer months, they were dry, arid, and _extremely _hot, emphasis on "extremely". The heat was enough to drain the sweat right out of you. It just made you feel coarse and cracked, like the inside of your throat was coated with white sand and powdered chalk. And the lack of water during this time of year was a killer too.

In the fall, the wind picks up and roughly cools off the "fires" of summer. This wouldn't lower the heat any bit in the afternoons, but instead would cause the temperature to drastically drop to freezing at night. And with the increase in rotting vegetation, there was a sudden increase in bugs and vermin also.

The winter, in contrast to summer, was very harsh and sickeningly freezing, cold enough for me to wish summer would come back. Usually, there wouldn't be enough precipitation to snow, but when it did, it would melt during the day and refreeze into ice in the same night, making the ground dangerously slick and painful.

From what I've described, the seasons are a clear reason to _not _live here, as they are just hell and torment with each and every passing day.

…

…though, spring's a little different. It's not like I don't dislike spring. Like autumn, sometimes it would get really hot, and sometimes it would get really cold. It's different in that… I don't hate spring as much as those other seasons. I can't say why really.

…maybe it has something to do with rain spring brings every year.

But back to present time here.

It was summer.

And it was hot.

It was _really_ hot.

Oh, God damn it. This is killing me.

"Freaking sun…"

In my half asleep state, I couldn't tell if I said it aloud or not. I was too tired, too hot, to be able to tell the difference.

Let me take a second to paint a picture of where I was at the moment. It was midday, about the worst time to be outside at the moment. Having been caught in the buzz of the heat, I was gathering my strength in the shade of a tall tree, located in the middle of a dying pasture. From the looks of it, the tree was a _Eucalyptus bridgesiana_, or… it could just be a giant signboard. My vision's kind of hazy. Hold on, wait a second. I think it's a tree. I'm pretty sure it's a tree.

Well, it doesn't matter. All that mattered was that it was provided me with enough shade to cool off a little, if not a little bit. Though there was only a few degrees difference, and it was still hot enough to suck the energy right out of me, it definitely felt better to be in shade. I'm like a dying corpse laying here, but at least I won't melt in the sun. I think.

C'mon wind… Blow a little more for your old pal. I'm too tired to use a fan.

…

Maybe I'm better off closing my eyes and imagining that I'm somewhere else right now. Yeah, that sounds good. I think I'll do that right now.

It's winter… I'm in a field somewhere, and it's covered in snow… really cold snow…… And also it's windy too. It's like a blizzard………The wind's rushing around me, encasing me with ice…… I'm practically frozen. Or……… _at most_…………………_ just a little bit_…………………………. _s-soggy_………………………………… _from the_… _rain_……………………………………………………………….

"…"

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"…"

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"…"

"Hey, Kyon! You awake?!"

………….erm, ugh…what the ….what was that…

"If not, wake up! And do it this instance!"

…damn it, shut up, would you?

"…_this better be good. Is the meadow on fire_?"

"What are you mumbling about?! Get up! Right now! I've got a job for you!"

That voice, it sounded like it belonged to a girl. It was piercingly obnoxious, cutting through my eardrums with every word. If my life wasn't in any imminent danger right now, then I really don't want to hear anything she's got to say.

"Could you ask me later?"

"I'm not _asking_ you. You're going to do this job whether you like it or not. Now get off your lazy butt and start listening."

I opened a weary eye and glanced around for the owner of the voice, but I found no one standing in front of me. I sat up sluggishly and started to polish my eyes with my sleeve.

"Out of all the people in the world, _I_ have _personally _chosen _you_ for a task."

She made herself sound all-important like. Just who was she? Royalty? God, this was annoying.

"You ought to feel honored," she said haughtily, "but don't get too full of yourself now. It's not like you're special or anything. In fact, you're just about as lame as every other person out there. Just think of this as winning the lottery or picking a certain card from a deck, or like pulling a rabbit out of a hat… or maybe jumping through a flaming hoop…"

I ignored her rambling and slowly stood up. Scouring the knee-high grass around me, I searched for my "invisible enemy". I tried following her voice, but strangely enough, it seemed to be coming from all directions. The heat must've been getting to me, messing up my senses and all that.

It was clear she was hiding somewhere, so I focused on trying to get her to show herself.

"All right," I said gruffly, "who's there? Where are you?"

I interrupted her longwinded speech, which had turned into a monologue of nonsensical analogies, and surveyed the land left to right, spotting nothing but the dry stalks of the surrounding grass.

"…"

An odd silence engulfed me after I said that. For a second, I thought she might've disappeared. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case.

"Fufufu-"

She chuckled. It was a very_ evil_ chuckle if I say so myself. She repeated my words scathingly.

"_Who's there_? _Where are you_?"

She made a "humph" sound and continued.

"Very well then, I'll tell you."

She said.

"_I_… am the one who works in mysterious ways. _I_… keep the world dangling on a string from the tips of my fingers._ I_… am the king among kings who works up in the heavens. Just look into yourself and you will know me and my title."

After those odd provoking words, an awkward silence ensued. I leaned my head up towards the tree branches and saw a weird kiwi like animal above me, burying its beak into its chest. As I looked, it suddenly noticed my glance and jumped off into the distance, fluttering its petite wings towards the pure blue sky. I tilted my head in response.

"…bird?"

"N-no, you idiot!" she stammered, "It's me! God! The Great Suzumiya Haruhi-sama!"

"…"

This girl's an idiot.

"…God, is it?"

I took in a deep breath and drowned my words in heavy ridicule before letting them fall from my lips.

"…well then, _God_, you've got nerve to wake up a sleeping stranger. If you weren't a girl, I probably would've beaten the crap out of you. Hell, maybe I_ will_ beat the crap out of you because you're a girl. Or maybe not. Either way, you should go away."

She made a slight gasp at my little threat, but then made a low growl, like how a puppy reacts when you take away its favorite play thing. She was angry now. I had made _God_ angry. Let's see where this'll take me.

"How-"

"AHA!"

I yelled, spinning around a full one hundred and eighty degrees.

"…"

To my bitter disappointment, there was no one behind me. Nor was there anyone anywhere when I turned my head around for a full panoramic view. From the looks of it, I was completely alone. Where the hell was she?

"…err, yeah, okay."

The voice continued uncomfortably after my little outburst but soon picked up full steam once again.

"How _dare_ you to doubt my supremely awesome power!"

She bellowed. I covered my ears with my palms lightly to soften the annoying screaming noise I was hearing.

"I can smite you down anytime I want, whether you disobey me or whether I'm just bored. With the snap of my fingers, I can _tear_ you limb from limb, and then rip you up into a billion pieces on top of that. Now, the _only_ reason why you're still standing in front of me right now is because I'm currently in a good mood. If this were any other time, I'd throw you into the depths of a black hole. Do you understand me?"

"…sure."

Nope. Not really.

"Good," she said, changing her tone into a nicer one.

"Now that we have a clear-"

…

…

…let's stop here for a second. Before I continue, I'd like to explain the phenomenon known as "exploding trees". As the name suggests, this occurrence involves a… exploding tree. I bet you didn't see that coming.

Now, in order for this event to partake, the sapwood, located behind the bark of a tree, is heated up to the point where the water soaked inside of it boils. The resulting steam then builds up inside and eventually makes the trunk burst like a balloon, and thus, exploding trees.

Now, for what makes the sapwood heat up? Since boiling point is two hundred and twelve degrees Fahrenheit, or a hundred degrees Celsius for those who use the metric system, daily weather conditions would obviously not be the cause for the destruction of our deep-rooted friends. The answer, actually, lies in a strong electrical current that's directly implemented into the sapwood.

If you can't see where I'm going with this, I'll make it clearer.

Right after that girl said, "Now that we have a clear" a sudden discharge of electricity struck the tree I was standing under, making it explode on the spot.

In other words… I was struck by lightning.

Yeah… lightning, as in the bright yellow squiggly line you sometimes see during a thunderstorm. It's so ridiculous… it's almost a little funny.

Now, excuse me while I… take a moment to let this sink in.

…

…

…

…okay, I'm done.

"Oh crap! My bad! Sorry about that! Are you okay?"

Her voice chirped through my head like a kookaburra. After having the ground beneath my feet instantaneously blow up, I was thrown twenty feet away from where I was originally and was currently lying with my face in the dirt. I think it's obvious that I'm not feeling too swell.

"…"

She took my silence as a chipper "yes".

"Good," she said unflinchingly, "Well, I have a few errands to run, so I'll be off now!"

"I'll be back, remember!"

And with a final shout, the girl made a jovial exit and left.

"…"

As time past, the sparks coursing through my hair eventually stopped. I was feeling pain, meaning that I was, impossibly, still alive. Holy shit, why am I still alive?

"…"

From the backwards Vitruvian Man pose I was in, I slowly grasped the earth with my fingers and lifted my head from the ground. In a daze, I unsteadily stood up and turned myself around. I almost wish I didn't.

"…"

I set my eyes upon the surreal disfigurement in before me. The tree, which I had been just recently sleeping under, had disappeared. Nothing remained but a sizzling blasted stump. It was quite a sight. The stump wasn't so splintered by the shock, but was entirely reduced to thin ribbons of wood that spread out in all directions. It was utterly destroyed.

"…"

I stared intently at the charred remains with a look of astonishment. It was like a UFO had shot a death ray at this particular area. If there was anything to say at this moment, it would've probably been those three little words I murmured aloud.

"Oh… my God…"

…

I think… I need a drink.

* * *

I glanced at the nearby signboard where the daily specials were etched in chalk, and judging by the handwriting, it was probably written by the cook herself. I took a moment to shiver before going through the swing doors. 

As I entered, I was abruptly confronted with the western type aura the whole place gave off. This couldn't be helped since most of the income that kept the place in business came from middle-aged cigar smoking tobacco chewing vagabonds who pointlessly traveled around the world for adventure. In effect, the restaurant adapted its look to a road house kind of style. And unfortunately, due to the geographic location, I was a regular here.

The owner waved his hand and flashed me a polite smile like a friend would when I came in, though, at best, we were probably just acquaintances of convenience. I just happened to live by, and he just happened to own a restaurant. Although the same age as me, he somehow inherited the bar due to circumstance and was making a living off of it. Lucky bastard…

Well, anyway, right now, it seemed like he was dressed slickly as the bartender, but with him being underage, was it really a good idea for him to be serving alcohol?

"Hey."

"…"

I waved back and took my place at the bar. I leaned over the counter, saying nothing. I should mention that I was still in my "shock" phase.

"Anything you need?"

He asked, oblivious to my trauma. Looking around, I saw that the place wasn't that busy. I took this chance to take some of his time and ask a seemingly random question for the hope of maintaining my sanity.

"Say," I said, trying to not sound too desperate, "could you… tell me the symptoms of a heat stroke?"

Though he had a childlike outward appearance, he was exceptionably bright when it came to trivia like that. And, if I heard what I wanted to hear, there might be a logical explanation for everything that's happened.

"…oh, um."

It seems like I caught him off guard, but he answered none the less.

"Headaches, dizziness, sudden decrease in blood pressure, convulsions, and in some cases, temporary blindness…"

He said, listing them from the top of his head. It never ceases to amaze me how well-educated this guy was.

"What about hallucinations?"

I asked. At my inquiry, Kunikida lifted his head and stared off with a hand on his chin, mimicking The Thinker.

"…no, I don't think so."

Damn.

Kunikida slightly turned his head, as if realizing something, and asked,

"Wait, why do you ask? Did you see something odd?"

Crap.

"No, no, I was just… curious."

Yeah, I'm curious, like a cat. That was a God-awful excuse and his interest instantly piqued.

"You know," he said, bending down behind the counter, "I'm not one to spread gossip."

He popped up with a dishcloth and a box of fancy wine glasses in his hands and set them up on the counter.

"If something interesting happened, you can go ahead and tell me. I have confidentiality with my customers."

He stated aloud. Kunikida then started to sort through the box and began to wipe the dust from each individual glass. Though he might've looked classy, he was really just doing his job.

Between telling him and saying nothing, I'd rather take this with me to my grave. However, confiding in someone else wasn't a particularly bad idea. It might alleviate some of the stress I'm feeling right now, and since this guy was the bartender here, maybe he's heard of even crazier stories.

…then again, if it just so turns out that I've got the craziest, that'd be a huge let down.

…

Ah, to hell with it, I should just get this off my chest and tell him. If I keep something _this_ big to myself any longer, I really _will_ go insane.

Kunkida cleared his fifth glass before he heard me heave sigh. I said it in a low growl, so that no one else would hear.

"God spoke to me."

"..."

He started to make a smile, but upon seeing how my expression was, he stopped. I was deadpanned serious, and probably in the process of losing my mind too. This was no laughing matter.

"God..." he repeated, "as in the all-powerful, omniscient creator and ruler of the universe, God?"

He stopped polishing the wine glass in his hands and stared at me with suspicion.

"You heard _him_ speak to _you_?"

"It's _her_..." I corrected, "And yes."

I really didn't want to go into any details since this conversation was already as absurd enough as it was. Thankfully, he didn't question me any further and, instead, I heard the sound of pouring liquid.

"Clearly," he said, "you need this more than anyone else here."

I lifted my head and saw him place a half-filled wine glass filled with crystal clear water near my hand.

…well, as pathetic as it might sound, this was probably one of the nicest gestures that anyone has ever done for me. It's really sad, isn't it?

"Thanks."

I said meekly. I raised the glass to him in a small toast and placed the drink under my nose.

"Yo! Kyon!"

Suddenly, I heard someone blare out my annoying nickname. And immediately after that, I felt the bastard touch my shoulder.

BZZT!

A sudden jolt of electricity surged between us and we both pretty much felt the shock. I fell back onto the ground, spilling most of the wine glass's contents all over my clothes, and Taniguchi jumped back, shaking his hand. Not much harm done to him.

"What the hell was that!?"

He yelled, massaging his palm. From his tone, I could tell he was more or less stunned from that hair-raising experience.

"I think… that was static electricity."

I answered, not too sure of myself.

"Y-yeah, whatever…"

He started blowing cold air towards his _injured_ hand and shook off the bad feeling.

Taniguchi, he was somewhat of a regular, like me. He came here from the east awhile ago and had recently been coming here daily to ogle at the girls who come by. This dangerous hobby, however, was put to waste, as there weren't that many women around besides the cook and the silent waitress. But, apparently, this was enough of a reason for him to come by everyday anyway.

To describe the relationship between us two, I'd say it's a competitive one. I compare my life to his, and naturally, I feel better about myself.

"Are you two okay?"

Kunikida asked, leaning over the counter to check on our condition. Other than a broken wine glass, we both seem to be mutually okay. Any damage that's been done was already there to begin with.

"I'm fine."

I said, getting back on my feet.

"Ah…"

Somehow, Kunikida looked doubtful, but then, he suddenly perked his head up, like he suddenly got an idea.

"Kyon, you look a little ill."

"…really?"

I replied blankly.

"Yes," he said, implying that I ought to at least act like it, "You do. Maybe you ought to see the witchdoctor. You can tell her about your _problem_."

He said, smiling all the way through.

…

…oh, I see what he's trying to do here. He's suggesting I get psychiatric help while trying to keep secret from Taniguchi that I've gone nuts. I could sense his good intentions here, even if they are kind of off, but just about anyone would get suspicious from the way he worded that.

"What problem?"

Just like that.

"There's no problem," I answered hastily, "I'm perfectly fine."

And it was true. For the moment, I _was_ perfectly fine. Sure, I was recently struck by lightning and I heard God speak to me, but nothing supernatural seemed to be affecting me _now_. This was proof that I hadn't completely gone off the deep end. In fact, I might not even _be_ going insane. Come to think of it, a heat stroke isn't necessarily the only reason for that voice. I could've just sniffed some bad gas that leaked from the ground. And that lightning, that was just a freak accident.

Yeah, I'm perfectly in my right mind. There's nothing wrong with me at all. Of course, that's only if these paranormal atrocities stop happening.

"I think you should go see her too. This witchdoctor sounds like an interesting person."

A third person decided to incite their say on the matter, though… there was nothing medical about her reason.

"Thanks for the opinion… but, I don't need it."

I answered her.

"Sure you do! I _do_ know best, after all."

She stated it proudly, like it was a divine law, or something.

"And what makes you..."

I turned around to face her... and there was no one there…

…and speaking of oddities, this voice had a very familiar essence about it. Maybe it's because I just heard it speaking to me a few minutes back…

…

"…oh, damn it."

I rammed my hand into my forehead and bit down on my lip. Sucking the air through the top half of my teeth, I started knocking my fist onto the side of my head, like trying to fix a broken television. I heard her speak again.

"You should stop that. I don't think that's good for you."

I groaned in frustration at the bad reception. God, who knew going insane could accumulate so much stress?

"…"

As I realized that I was acting like a lunatic, I stopped all movement and went into deep thought.

"…okay," I said finally, glancing at Kunikida, "I think I _will_ take your advice."

I looked away, let out a breath, and walked out of the bar, quickly and discreetly. Though I couldn't divert some of the gazes pointed at me, I could at least leave in a civilized and rational manner.

"Where are you going?"

The hallucinogenic voice was talking to me again. There has to be a way to make it stop, but in the meantime...

"I'm going to get rid of _you_."

I responded silently. I sped out of the swing doors and made my way to the witchdoctor.

After I left, Taniguchi and Kunikida stood idly, looking at the door. A few seconds past before Taniguchi finally spoke up. 

"Where'd that voice come from?"

* * *

Casting Call! 

Kyon - The Skeptic

Haruhi - As God

Kunikida - The Bartender

Taniguch - As Himself

I'm gonna try to cram as many characters as I can into this fic in a non-cameo like style. I've already decided the roles of most of the characters, but I'm having trouble placing Tsuruya-san. Hopefully I'll figure this out when I work on chapter two.


End file.
